How to Kill Galbatorix: Cookies
by iWriter77
Summary: Who knew the secret to killing the tyrant king was to simply give him a cookie?" Humor, OOC, Randomness
1. Chapter 1

**How to kill Galbatorix.**

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_Who knew that the secret to killing the tyrant king was to simply give him a cookie?_

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_150 Years Ago_

"This is terrible," Vrael exclaimed. "Galbatorix is sowing mayhem around Algaesia and has over 500 Eldunari under his control! Gentlemen, does anyone have a way to stop him?"

Oromis, one of the wisest of the Riders, raised his hand. "Yes, Oromis?"

"I have used my unique powers of scrying the future to conclude that the only way to stop Galbatorix…is to enchant him to be addicted to cookies."

Vrael raised his eyebrows skeptically. "Addicted to cookies? Why on Algaesia would we do that?"

"It is the only way, my lord," Oromis said. "The stars in the sky never lie. They have told me that the only way for Galbatorix to go down is to enchant him to be addicted to cookies."

Vrael sighed. Then, addressing the other council members, he said, "You heard Oromis. Oromis has never been wrong with his future-scrying. Gentlemen, we must enchant Galbatorix to be addicted to cookies. The spell, I believe, is…wait, do the elves have a word in the Ancient Language for cookie?"

King Evandar, leader of the elves, raised his hand. "As a matter of fact, we do not. Elves do not eat cookies. That particular vulgar habit was developed among the human race and does not extend to the elves."

Vrael stood up, affronted. "You think I'm vulgar?!"

"No, you are a dragon rider and not fully a human-thus, you are not bound to the same stereotypes we mark your people," Evandar said.

"The better question is," Oromis declared, breaking the silence. "How are we going to enchant him to be addicted to cookies? There is no word in the AL for cookie, after all."

"Why don't we just add it to the AL?" Evandar asked. When no one replied, he merely bowed his head down and closed his eyes. After a minute, he smiled. "It is done."

"Good work, Evandar, what's the word?" Vrael asked.

"Cookie."

"You made the AL word for cookie cookie?"

"Yes…"

"Hmm, that's actually pretty smart. I'm surprised no one has ever thought of that before." Vrael smiled. "Well, tell all mages to fire the spell, Ethgri Cookie at him."

"Will do sir."

* * *

_100 years ago, at the siege of Vroengard_

Vrael was standing over Galbatorix, with his sword at his throat. He smiled. "Galbatorix, you are still too young, too inexperienced, too foolish. I win." He then quickly spoke the words, "Ethgri Cookie." A flash of brown light enveloped Galbatorix, then faded.

"_Success!" _Vrael thought. He then slowly trudged away, his mission complete. With a snarl, Galbatorix leapt up and stabbed Vrael from the back. Vrael gasped, and then fell, the blood from his chest pooling on the ground. As he slowly lost consciousness, he heard Galbatorix say, "I WANT COOKIES!!!"

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_Some Time Later…_

"Sir, what are you first orders as the ruler of Algaesia?" A soldier asked.

"Tell all bakers throughout Algaesia that if they don't get their arses to my castle, they will be hanged on account of treason."

"Yes sir………."

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_Some Time Later After That…_

"Sire, the Varden have just stolen the blue egg," Morzan said, holding Zarroc in his left hand.

"Morzan, I want you to recover the egg. I have extreme confidence in your abilities," Galbatorix said, still munching on a cookie.

"Really?"

"No, but just get that egg from the blasted Varden and leave me along to eat my cookies in peace!"

"Y-y-yes sir." Morzan sighed, and then walked out of the door, looking depressed.

* * *

_Even More Time Later…_

A soldier walked in. "Sir, the people are threatening to revolt because you aren't paying enough attention to their needs."

"Spread the word around that there will be a National Cookie Day held tomorrow and that every citizen of the Empire gets a free cookie."

"Yes sir."

* * *

_Ever more time later after that…_

"Sir, the citizens of the Empire are once more threatening to revolt. They say that their wages aren't high enough, that they live in poverty in comparison compared to their life before the Empire."

"Tell them I'll pay them in cookies instead."

"B-but sir…I'm not sure if that's what the people want."

"Tell them that if they don't stop complaining, I'll cut off their supply of cookies."

"Why can't you tell them yourself, sir?"

"I'm busy right now!"

"You're busy eating cookies!"

"Guards, arrest this man for treason. Have him hanged in public tomorrow."

The soldier sighed. "You've gotta be kidding me…"

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_After another few years_

"Sir," the doctor said, looking at Galbatorix's bulging belly. "I'm not sure if eating all these cookies are healthy for you. I'd recommend you eat less cookies, and more fruits and vegetables. Also, you might want to consider some more exercise in order to reduce that stomach of yours…"

Galbatorix, who was munching on a cookie, merely pointed at his stomach and whispered some words. Within 5 seconds, his stomach had slimmed down to a size that women would kill for.

"That works too…"

* * *

_10 Years Ago_

"_Thank God for technology…" _Galbatorix thought. Even as he sat on his throne, he saw an electrician come in.

"Sir, you called for me to install a conveyer belt in your room?" The electrician looked scared at being in the king's room. From the corner of his eye, the electrician could see boxes upon boxes stacked across the side of the wall.

"Yeah, can you hook the conveyor belt from the bakery to where I am right now? Thanks."

The electrician swallowed. "That is an odd request, and the bakery is several miles away, but anything for you my lord."

"Thank you. You can leave now."

When the electrician was outside, he nudged a guard.

"What?" The guard asked.

"He isn't serious, is he?"

* * *

_A Year Ago…_

Durza stepped in. "Yes, Durza?" Galbatorix asked.

"Sire, I would like your permission to bring a huge regiment of the army to Farthen Dur," Durza said. "We must defeat the Rebels before the pose a serious threat."

"Absolutely not. With the soldiers gone, who's left to defend my cookies?" Galbatorix asked. "Hmm? Who?!"

Durza sighed. Then, inspiration came to him. "Sire, Farthen Dur has been known to have a huge supply of cookies waiting to be eaten. If we take over the city, we could gain that supply, and-"

"Say no more," Galbatorix interrupted. "You have my permission to take the entire force."

"No, I just need the Urgals," Durza replied.

"Well what are you waiting for?! Go take the urgals and hurry up and get the hoard of cookies! Go! Go!" After Durza hastily left, Galbatorix sighed. _"Now where was I…oh yes." _He then resumed his cookie eating session.

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**A/N: Funny little comedic story that will be discontinued unless I get 10 reviews. I rly doubt that, so consider this story pretty much dead. I always found it funny when Brom tells Eragon that Galbatorix has weaknesses other ppl don't have, so I came up with this solution to killing the king. Lol. But again, this story is pretty much dead, R&R!**


	2. Discontinued

**How to Kill Galbatorix--Cookies has been discontinued. I know I promised an update if we got to 10 reviews, but frankly, I simply haven't got the time. **

**Was fun when it lasted though!**

**iWriter88**


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